“Because He Can”

Hey everyone! So, in my last blog post, I mostly talked about how excited I was to be a missionary kid. But let me tell you the truth, there is so much more that everyone doesn’t see. When most people ask how I feel about moving to another continent, I put on the church smile and say how much I anticipated the new journey of living in Portugal.  But there is another side that is painful and full of sorrow.  For the past year, after saying our first goodbye to our home, and finding peace with letting the comforts of this world go, I had convinced myself everything was fantastic and that everything would work out fine. I ignored all the heartache and pain, slowly trying to suffocate it within myself, but pain is a very real and raw emotion that cannot run from.  I had focused on the fact that God had changed my heart towards missions, and because of that I was now ready for all this change. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to look on the bright side and all the wonderful things that would come out of this journey, but when you only look at the positive things you hurt yourself in the end.

It all started a couple Sundays ago… Like normal I went to church and told everyone how excited I was to be a MK, which I truly am, but that night I experienced a spiritual attack that left me with swollen eyes from tears that didn’t seem to stop.  The five-minute drive back to my Nana’s house, felt like five hours. As soon as my Nana saw me, she wrapped her arms around me, and in that single moment…in that single hug, I felt peace.  As she let go, suddenly I felt a tsunami size wave of reality come crashing upon me.  I realized that I was going to have to say goodbye to those I love, and I would be leaving the place I felt at peace.  That night as we were going back to the lake house, I just broke down. My heart shattered… I began to cry, but it was a strange cry that I hadn’t known before. As these emotions of grief overcame me, a spirit of anger and frustration also came over me. “How could anyone understand what I was going through! Nothing that anyone could say would ever take this feeling from me!” As I was thinking these things all I wanted to do was blame everyone, cry, and scream. I have never in my life felt these emotions before. As I laid in the bed that night, I felt as if I physically was not capable of getting on the plane and leaving for good. I mean you must be in a pretty bad place if you feel as if you are physically incapable of doing something because the emotion is so overwhelming. But that’s how I felt that night. The next day I woke up still numb from the night before. I had been punched over and over, beaten, and left lying on the ground.  My accuser had stripped me of all my joy, laughed at my bruises, and left me lying there helpless. I was unable to get up or move. That’s how I felt and anything that anyone said made me want to cry. My heart was wounded, and every encouraging word spoken to me that day only felt like salt burning deep within the cuts. It was one of those days where all I wanted to do was curl up in a blanket, eat ice cream, cry, and watch a movie. That same day our family found out that we had just reached 100% for our one-time fund, but it was like I had no emotion left to feel. I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t excited, all I felt was numbness, and in that numbness, was this overwhelming sense of confusion. I had no idea what I felt, and I didn’t know what to do next. I still feel this sense of confusion, and honestly, I’m not sure how long I’ll feel like this. I don’t know if this is how I am going to feel from now on because my eyes have been opened to both the good and bad. I don’t know what to do… but I know that the right thing to do is go back to God’s Word and prayer. It might feel like eating a stale cracker but at least it’s food. But I can say this with great joy, He has provided everything I need to get through this. Psalms 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.” He has provided His Word, prayer, goldy parents, and friends that I can lean on. I am trusting that He will get me through this… because He is the only one who can.

Ava J

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